Befriending My Reflection
My evolving relationship with what I see when I look in the mirror
MY RELATIONSHIP TO MY REFLECTION:
Growing up a dancer, studying musical theatre in college, teaching Pure Barre classes, and now consistently practicing yoga, I’ve spent countless hours in front of the mirror. Not to mention being a lover of fashion and hair/makeup, add on even more time. I’ve probably spent a good eighth of my life with my reflection.
Because a lot of the messaging I received growing up was that my body was bigger than it should be, and therefore that was a negative thing, my formative years in front of the mirror were usually spent picking myself apart. My vision was blurry; my gaze was not one of love but one of disdain. Yet I had an obsession with it - I turned to the mirror for validation that I was worthy and lovable. I’d be remiss to say I still don’t do this. But what I know now is my reflection will never bring me peace. It’s my relationship to my reflection that will set me free.
There were many periods of time in my life that my reflection had the power to make or break me. If I didn’t like what was staring back at me, it could derail my whole day, or, on the contrary, if I did like what I saw, it would instantly boost my mood. How I felt about myself was based so deeply in what I felt about how I looked to the point where I could flip from chill to anxious in seconds if I saw something I didn’t like.
I would be remiss to say that I don’t still go searching for validation in that little piece of reflective glass hanging on my bathroom wall. On a day when I’m feeling down about myself, my instinct is to go to the mirror in search of beauty and goodness, physical worth and love.
On a day when I’m feeling down about myself or on a bad body image day, since my instinct is to go to the mirror in search of physical worth and love, I allow myself to go. Except I force myself to actively find one good thing I like about my appearance, and I don’t allow myself to talk shit about how I look. I am allowed to have days where I don’t love my reflection, and I am allowed to have days where I do, and I am allowed to have days where I feel neutral about how I look. They all belong. Honoring this natural flow has been extremely helpful in pulling me back into my body and allowing me to be present with myself instead of hyper-fixating on my appearance.
BEFRIENDING MY REFLECTION:
I struggle with some semblance of body dysmorphia in my own ways, even still. I have to actively work to recalibrate my brain when it comes to how I see myself when I look in the mirror. This has become an ongoing process for me and has been an important way to challenge my own thoughts about my body.
To me, recalibration is the process of having awareness these thoughts about our bodies are coming up, being able to halt them and redirect our brains. I will sometimes grab my physical body, look down at her, feel her with my hands and examine her for myself. For me, this helps pull me out of my thinking brain and back into my body. It helps redirect the outlandish and a lot of times untrue thoughts. Seeing myself in the mirror is a thinking brain act, whereas feeling my body with my own two hands is a somatic act - and sometimes I need my thinking brain to shhh so I can listen to my body.
Since I’m practicing yoga regularly, I’m still spending hours a week watching my body move and contort in a full-length mirror. However, with the work I’ve done and the tools I have now, I’m much more apt to challenge these negative thoughts about my body when they come up. The reality is, our bodies can take up varying amounts of space depending upon which position we are holding them in, the way we’re standing or sitting, and whether we’re breathing out or breathing in.
When I breathe in and reach my arms up in my yoga class, my body elongates, therefore looking longer and stretched out. When I round my back and reach my arms forward, my body compacts, therefore looking more scrunched up and soft. When my body twists and folds into itself, I breathe and quietly honor her for the work she’s doing. I’ve started actively making it a point to watch the folds of my body in the mirror and speak love into them. Which feels like a radical act after spending years and years speaking hate to these parts of my body that I’ve struggled to appreciate.
I have enough discernment, at this point in my body image journey, to recognize that my body can literally change shape from one moment to the next depending on how I position her, and that what truly matters most is how I feel in my body coupled with the recognition that she allows me to move and exist in a hot yoga class in the first place.
Though some days are still hard, I’m grateful to have gotten to a point now where I’ve made friends with my reflection and know how to honor her malleability and the flaws I perceive in her. Because a flaw to me could be a beautiful attribute to someone else. Isn’t that lovely to think? And just like any friendship, it’s forever evolving with ebbs and flows. But there is respect and love and appreciation and care innately baked in.
I hope you found a little something something helpful in this
xx Megan
While I’m not a licensed therapist, registered dietician, or medical health professional and cannot speak to body image topics from a clinical, trauma-informed place, I am an expert of lived experience. I’m an academic of my own body, and I’m passionate about facilitating conversations with other humans about their relationships with their bodies. I believe it’s important to continue conversations about healthy body image in creative spaces as a means to heal individuals as well as the collective whole. But just know the information presented in this medium is not professional mental health advice or medical advice, and any questions or concerns you have should always be directed to your health providers.